Veracity
by ksfd89
Summary: Fic about Rory being with Dean in Season Five. Rated M for sexual references. I hope you enjoy it! Gilmore Girls isn't mine!


**Fic about Rory when she sees Dean again in Season 5. Rated M for sexual references. Hope you enjoy it! Gilmore Girls isn't mine!**

Rory brushes her hair. She is due to meet Dean in half an hour and is already running late. She's meeting him outside Doose's Market, where he'll finish his shift, and then they'll go to his apartment. Rory and Dean have got back together after almost two years apart and are getting acquainted to the new arrangement.

Rory runs the brush through one more time and stares at herself in the mirror. She dabs on some mascara and is good to go. Rory is ready but she takes her time, double-checking she has everything in her purse and enough money in case she needs it.

"Paris," she calls. "I'm leaving now."

"To go see Farmer Boy?"

Paris head appears around her door and Rory sighs.

"Yes. To go see Farmer Boy."

"Are you coming back here?"

Rory knows what the hint in her question is and appeases her.

"No. We're going to his place and I'll be back tomorrow."

"Thank God. My headphones are broken."

Paris grins, retreats, and Rory rolls her eyes. She puts on her shoes, picks up the purse and leaves, five minutes later than planned. Never mind. Dean leaves a little late at times, depending on Taylor wanting extra help setting up a final display.

It doesn't take long to drive to Stars Hollow. Rory plays a CD but barely hears the music, staring at the road. She wonders if her mother has finished work yet, if she's around tomorrow. For a moment Rory considers stopping at the Dragonfly, or calling her, but then decides against it. They saw each other last night at dinner anyway, and Lorelai will ask why she's in town. They'll both know but act like they don't, and it'll be weird. It's been different lately, and Rory simply drives straight to the market, where she can see Dean waiting. She parks the car and goes up to him, where he's standing with a smile.

"Hey."

"Hey," Rory says, kissing him. "Work okay?"

"Not bad. It went by pretty quickly."

"The apron's just a perk?"

Dean frowns, looks down and laughs. He is still wearing it and quickly unties the apron, folding it under his arm. Rory goes over to the car and he asks,

"Do you want to get a coffee or something?"

"No, I'm good."

"Really? I've never seen you not want coffee."

"I'm fine. There's coffee at your place."

Dean grins, not caring or noticing that Rory hates his instant blend.

"Let's go."

Rory would like a real cup but she doesn't want to go to Luke's. Luke doesn't treat her any differently but when she's there with Dean, it feels wrong. She's reminded that he was recently married, that they had sex when he still was, and she is ashamed. She didn't want to hurt Lindsay, but knows she did. Nothing was so awful as running into her and her mother that time, and Rory doesn't want to bump into them. It's awkward being around Luke anyway. He went on a double date with them and Lorelai, and the word _uncomfortable_ didn't cover it. The movie was fun, like the old days where Dean would hang out with her and her mother, but Rory knows not to try again. She waits for Dean to get in before slipping in the car, starting the engine, and hoping Dean remembers that he tossed the apron in her back seat.

It doesn't take long to get to his apartment. It's small and Dean shares with Kyle, but it's miles better than going to his parents' house. Anything is better than that. His little sister blaring music, the TV cutting out, and worst of all his mother's glares. Her pointed looks, leaving the bedroom door open. Rory knew what she was thinking and it made her squirm. They only did it once there, when his family were gone, but it still felt sordid. They even tried it in a car once, which was a total disaster. She's beyond thankful for the apartment and follows Dean up the stairs.

"You still want that coffee?" Dean asks and Rory shakes her head. Grinning, he doesn't try to fight her on it, and instead starts to kiss her. Rory kisses him back and he leads her into the bedroom where they hastily shed their clothes and soon have sex.

It doesn't take long for them to finish. Rory lies on the mattress, Dean above her, and feels her attention wane. She glances over at the clock, which shows ten minutes have passed, until she's stirred by a kiss on her neck. Rory kisses Dean back and then he lets out a sigh, sinking onto her chest. Rory guesses she's finished too and feels him slide out. Dean rolls over, smiling, and Rory tries to smile back. They lie there for a moment and Rory thinks she should say something, fill the space, but her mind is blank. She looks at him, trying to find something in his eyes. They are empty and then Dean says something for her.

"I liked that."

"Yeah."

It sounds weak but Dean doesn't seem to notice. He nuzzles against her shoulder and says,

"Want to go again?"

"Already?"

Dean laughs and says,

"No, give me more time than that. We could stay in bed."

"Um, I'm kind of tired," Rory says apologetically. "Sorry."

"Yeah, me too," Dean says, getting up. "I'm going to go shower."

"Okay."

Rory hugs the sheets to herself as he leaves. He doesn't take long and Rory is glad to step under the water, when he's done. She washes and washes herself over and over, trying to get completely clean.

After they're dressed and eaten some dinner they go and see a movie. Rory feels a little awkward going to the movie theatre, afraid she'll see her mother, but there's no one she knows, and she didn't want to stay in the apartment. It may be better than his mother's house but it's cramped and there's a weird, musty kind of smell. Lane said it must just have the scent of guys but it's not that. Rory's been to Lane's place and it's not the same. It's more comfortable. Besides, Dean only has a VCR and three tapes to choose from.

The movie is some weird, knock-off sci-fi thing from the seventies which Rory's never heard of. It's the kind of thing she'd like to mock with her mother but tonight she can barely watch. She's too aware of Dean beside her, guzzling popcorn and soda and laughing too loudly. She tries to laugh too, but it's forced, and when the movie's over she says,

"I think I'm going to head back."

"What?" Dean exclaims. "I thought you were going to spend the night with me."

"I know," Rory says. "I just have so much work to do."

"But you said -"

"I'm sorry, Dean. Look, we had a fun night, didn't we? We had dinner, we went to the movies. It's late now and I'd need to go home early anyway."

Dean just scowls and Rory bites her lip. He gets angry so easily.

"I'm free Wednesday," she says, trying to placate him. "I only have a morning class. We can spend the whole day together."

He looks up, seeming a little less mad, and Rory encourages,

"Hey, you'll get an early night and do even better at work tomorrow. It'll help you concentrate."

"I believe sex does that also."

"Well, you already had some of that," Rory teases. He laughs, to her relief, and kisses her.

"Can't wait for Wednesday."

They go back to his place, drink some of his disgusting coffee, and kiss goodnight. Rory is relieved that Dean doesn't try and talk her into staying and is halfway back to New Haven when she remembers his apron in the back. Oh well. Taylor must have unlimited stock.

Rory is relieved to back on the road. She thought she wanted to stay the night but is more excited by the thought of sleeping in her own bed. Sex so far has been disappointing. Rory is hardly an expert, but surely it's better than this? She's read about it, she's had orgasms, but never with Dean. Never during sex itself, which seems somewhat ironic. It's always the same and it's always so short. The only time it was different was in Miss Patty's studio and even that was over in minutes. They rarely try anything else and Rory doesn't want to. It feels weird. The whole thing is weird, if she's honest, but she doesn't think she can end things. Dean left Lindsay, says he still loves Rory, and she should still love him. He was always there, reliable and steady, and now he wants to be with her again. She lost her virginity to him. She should feel more than this, and Rory speeds up the car. She can't wait to get back.

When she opens the door Paris is there in an instant, ready to use some of her self-defence training, and Rory squeaks,

"It's me!"

"What are you doing here?" Paris asks suspiciously, letting her arm drop. "Your boyfriend isn't here, is he? Because I still need new headphones."

"No, he's not. I came home early."

"Bad in the sack, huh?"

"Excuse me?"

"He must be disappointing in bed. Why are you back so early?"

"I just have a lot of work."

Paris snorts.

"Right."

Rory busies herself with putting her purse away, avoiding Paris's eyes. Somehow she doubts Paris has found sex unsatisfying but she's not going to ask. She can't imagine what kind of answer she'll get.

"I'm heading out anyway," Paris says, and Rory notices she's changed into a dress. "I'm going for drinks with the alumni from last year."

"Why?"

"I'm trying to socialise more," Paris says simply. "You never know, maybe one of them will manage not to put me to sleep. Don't wait up."

"Fine."

Once Paris is gone Rory is able to relax. She's glad to have the dorm to herself and makes a cup of coffee, better than the one before. She doesn't start her work, despite what she said to Dean, and instead picks up a book. She's only read a few sentences before dropping it, unable to concentrate. It shouldn't be like this. Rory remembers her relationship with Dean being simple, easy, wonderfully uncomplicated. You knew where you were with him. It wasn't always exciting and he was always predictable, but maybe Rory should've appreciated it. It was always unclear with Jess.

Rory rolls to her side, biting her lip. She doesn't want to think about him. He was all she thought about, last year, when she went backpacking with Lorelai. They'd be in Rome, walking amongst the ruins, or in Venice, giggling at going in a gondola, when she's suddenly think about Jess. Imagining rounding a corner and seeing him, strolling with a book in hand. Rory would go over their conversation hundreds of times in her mind. At first, she'd just ask _why?_ Then it got more specific. _Why did you leave? Why didn't you talk to me? Didn't you think I'd help? Did you think I wouldn't want to be with you if you'd messed up?_ Rory rewound their last conversation over and over. _Why didn't you say anything? I was right there with you, on the bus, and you just let me leave. You just left._ She tried to word his response but never could, and eventually she circled back to her original question: _why?_

Rory never found an answer. She never thought she'd see Jess again and then last winter, he was back. Sleeping in his car and then bumping into town with her, giving no warning. She was going to try and talk to him. When Rory saw him in Weston's, she opened her mouth but he didn't give her chance. Simply said _I'm leaving_ and went, as if she were disturbing him. As if she was the one who'd just disappeared. And then, at the Firelight Festival, he ran after her, and she shouted. Told him to say whatever had had to say where they were, and he did. He told her he loved her. Rory barely had time to process it before he was in his car and driving away. Of all the things she imagined him saying to her, his love wasn't one of them.

She tried to move on so badly last year. She asked a guy out in the laundry room, who had the same sarcastic air and good taste in music, but he shut her down. She went on a date with Trevor which was a total bust. Rory never casually dated and now she knew why. She was horrible at it. Rory hoped it was something which simply got easier, like talking to guys, but it wasn't. Her grandmother set her up with a creep who resembled James Spader in _Pretty in Pink_ and Dean came to rescue her. They'd just got to her door, Rory asking what was happening with him, when Jess showed up again, out of nowhere. He insisted on talking to her and, when she'd made Dean leave, Jess swore he could be counted on now, that he still wanted to be with her. That she should leave with him.

Rory couldn't do that, and not just because she was in school. It was too much. She and Jess hadn't had a real conversation in a year and she wasn't ready to start again. What was there to start? He was asking over and over, not giving her time to think, and finally she cried _no_. He looked struck, as if she'd hit him, and silently walked away. Part of Rory wanted to go after him, but she didn't. She sat on her boxes and wept. And then Dean was there, the next day, missing her and wanting to be with her and she missed him too. It was never like that with Dean - she'd never felt excited but he'd never ask her to drop everything and leave. When he showed up at her house, during the Dragonfly's opening, Rory didn't want to think anymore. He had his arms around her, kissing her, wanting all of her and she gave it to him. She should never have split up with him. Her whole year at Yale had been terrible but Dean had been there, ready to talk. Maybe they still loved each other after all.

The happiness she felt disappeared when Lorelai came home. The disappointment in her eyes, sadness in her voice was more than Rory could take. _You're the other woman._ Rory felt a twinge of conscience, but argued it wasn't like that. He wasn't some married guy she'd slept with. He was Dean. He wasn't happy with Lindsay, and she didn't want to think about how he was still married to her. He took the ring off. He loved her. That had to mean something, but Rory knew her mother was right. She never thought she'd have sex with someone married. She never imagined her first time that way. _I hate you for ruining this for me_. When she called Dean, after fighting with Lorelai, Lindsay answered and all Rory could do was cry. It wasn't supposed to be like this, but she wouldn't let her mother comfort her. She had to be alone. When she went to Europe she wrote to Dean to say it was over, but then Lindsay read it and threw Dean out. Rory couldn't walk away from him after that and even though it's so awkward, she tells herself they're going to find the simplicity she enjoyed at sixteen. The sex will get better. Isn't it strange for everyone at first? Rory feels a stab of sadness, all the same. She'd expected her first time with Jess. When she was with Dean, before, she never thought of sex with him. They kissed a lot but never talked about going further and Rory never considered it. She imagined sex, one day, but it was a glimmer in the future she wasn't concerned with now. She'd read a lot about it, in the various novels she'd immersed herself in over the years, but it wasn't something she wanted, at least not then. And then Jess came to town. She started to get a new kind of excitement, a new thrill, and when they illicitly drove around Stars Hollow she told him to turn right. She went to see him in New York, on impulse, after he left, not knowing why other than having to. Then he came back, surprising her, and she was running up and kissing him, and even though it was only moments, she knew. _This_ is what they mean. This is what the books are saying.

Rory stayed with Dean, all the same, knowing she had a good boyfriend. That was what everyone told her. She tried to keep loving Dean but then he dumped her, at the dance marathon. He was right, she had feelings for Jess, and Rory went to him. The feelings she had when they kissed only grew. Making out with him on the corner, kissing him on the couch - it was never enough. She wanted him completely. She'd touch herself when alone, in her room. They'd lie together, feverishly caressing each other and kissing, and Rory came. Once she let him touch her breasts with her bra on and if they hadn't been in the apartment, with the risk of Luke or her mother interrupting, Rory would have said to keep going. There was no doubt in her mind. She even told Lorelai she was ready, promised to tell her when she did it, and then it all got screwed up. Part of her wants to talk to her mother about it. Say that she's confused, not enjoying what she has, and wishes she could break it off. That she never feels what she felt with Jess, that sex is overrated. Rory knows she'd never say that, even if things were normal with her and her mother, but she wishes she could. She wishes there was someone she could talk to in general. Rory misses the ease she had with her mother. They've made up, after their fight over summer, but there's still this weird distance between them. Rory doesn't know how to change it. Lorelai seems happy though. She finally has a guy who really loves her and Rory considers the irony: Lorelai found Luke as she lost Jess.

There is no good in lying on the bed, moping this way. Rory doesn't mope. She briskly gets up and wonders what to do with her evening. She thinks about just going out, like Paris, but she has nowhere to go. Rory isn't one of the cool kids at Yale. She hears the hoots of some drunken guys outside and is reminded of the blond boy she came across the other day. He was charming, joked about leaving his number, but Rory ignored him, ignored the flicker of excitement she felt. There's no point in going there. She's back with Dean and even if she weren't, she knows how crappy dating is. No doubt he'd disappoint her too.

Rory shakes herself, trying to rid the self-pity. She needs to get out of the room. Pocketing her keys and taking the book, as an afterthought, she goes out and onto the quad. Rory finds a seat in the corner, under a light, and opens the book. Carrying a book is a habit she's been breaking lately and Rory opens it, determined to read. She's only finished a few pages before a sadness seizes her chest and she puts it down. It was a book she promised Jess she'd read, long ago. When he left she put it away, knowing it hurt too much to read, and now the old ache has returned. Rory can't help missing him even though she knows it's over. She doesn't think she'll ever see him again and, if she does, what will she say? He always takes her words. She loves him - _loved_ him - and what she says is never what she predicts. He brings something out with her she never felt with Dean, and Rory misses it. She misses talking about books and movies and just being with him, but there's no point. He's gone. He always left. Rory can't help imagining it, going with him as he asked. Sharing an apartment in New York. She feels wistful before reality brings her back to earth. It would never have worked but she's sad, all the same. Rory swallows the lump in her throat and looks up as someone calls,

"Hey!"

It's the blond guy from before, the one who mocked Marty. Rory manages a smile.

"Hey."

"What're you doing?"

"Nothing."

"There's a party if you want to come."

Rory stares. They've barely had a conversation and he's inviting her to a party? She shakes her head.

"Thanks, but I'm okay."

"Busy reading?"

He sounds amused and Rory blushes, though she's a little annoyed.

"Something like that."

"Well, see you around," the guy says after a pause. He gives her a big grin and adds,

"My number's still good, by the way."

Before she can respond he's gone, laughing and whooping with his friends. Judging by the staggering, they haven't waited for the party to start drinking. Part of Rory wants to join them, if only to stop feeling so lonely, but she's shy. The comment about her book is grating and Jess's voice sounds in her mind - _jeez, what a jerk_. They always made fun of guys like that. She can't help feeling intrigued, all the same, and there's the flutter in her chest which she hasn't noticed with Dean.

Rory puts the book away and gets up. She walks around a little before deciding she may as well go back to the dorm after all, pass out to a movie. Rory heads back to her room, taking her pill before settling on a film. Getting pregnant would be the worst and she ignored Dean when he said she needs to worry less. She'll worry less without the risk of missing her period. Lorelai's Trojan jokes are burned in her mind anyway. She thinks about calling her mother but doesn't know what to say - she doesn't think Lorelai wants to hear about Dean and she doesn't want to talk about it. Rory always imagined growing up making things easier, not getting more confusing. High school was so much simpler. She knew where she was. She never thought she'd want things to change. Here she is at Yale, with her first love, and it's different and the same. She's not the teenager she once was. She wants to make herself proud again but isn't sure how. All she can do is keep trying, and Rory looks out of the window, staring into the night.


End file.
